Are we in a gay sports bar?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
