Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
