So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
