On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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