I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
