My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
