you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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