just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
