when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
is that a dick in a sweater?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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