I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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