ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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