Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
