today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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