That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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