Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
