dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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