my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
