And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
