i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
