You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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