Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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