On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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