i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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