I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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