i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
