You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
