I wish I could teleport
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
