I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
