I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
