I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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