Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Need sex. Gaining weight.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
