the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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