I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
