sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
How does one acquire holy water?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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