Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
