What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
