Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
