this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
this must be what syphilis tastes like
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
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