Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
