so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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