bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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