I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
