but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
