You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
