I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
she pinky promised me she was 18
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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