i barfeds in our rink
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
