someone get that fucking seahorse.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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