How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
