in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
