I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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